Papercut

I am very much annoyed by the expression “It can’t all be wedding cake.” When capitalized, it looks very much like an appropriate title for the next flick by CheesyRomanticComedy Productions.

I never ate any of my own wedding cake, except for the part I picked off my face after the vicious traditional cake assault. Somewhat naturally, I assume this expression means something along the lines of “it’s not all roses”, which I also specified should not be at my wedding but somehow made it there anyway. Nevermind. What interests me more is to extend this expression negatively, thus creating exciting new turns of phrase such as “it can’t all be nuclear holocaust” or “it can’t all be whiplash”. These slight modifications will adapt the wedding cake expression to not only the chronic pessimist, but also to the anti-Knot.com crowd. Myself included.

---------------------------
“You don’t have a future if your past is your present.” Another bothersome expression. This one will meddle for days until I rather wish I had a cold sore than get this stuck in my head one more time. I do agree that for some people the past can be a burden, perhaps one that we would be tempted to forget (or tell ourselves we’ve forgotten). Yet, to some extent I think burial, un-dealt with, equates directly to running. Quite to the contrary, I think it’s dangerous to forget the steps we’ve taken, the places we’ve been, the things we’ve seen, simply because they’re over with. Acceptance doesn’t come with putting aside. Also, I feel that this expression too clearly attempts to delineate the past from the present from the future. Time outside a clock’s circle is not clean or neat. Human inventions, such as graduations, try to create an artificial boundary where one does not (always) naturally exist. I appreciate this expression as a philosophical quandary, or essentially rhetoric, and could continue, but I have finite mental capacity that needs to be devoted to too many other things.

----------------------------
Such as…McGriddle sandwiches

Example: “Man, I can’t wait to grab me some McGriddles sandwiches!”

This, I am almost ashamed to admit, is one of the ways to get me riled up the quickest. Blissful ignorance, deliberate deception and chronic waste are all up there, but I’ve found few things that incite me quite like the McGriddle sandwich. Call them McGriddles, and I’m off.

This is correct: Mc Griddle sandwich; Mc Griddle sandwiches
This is incorrect: Mc Griddles sandwich; McGriddles sandwiches


Ahem, now I have this out of my system.

-----------------------
Pssst…I know what is causing the obesity crisis in America…mothers driving their children around in strollers until the kids hit puberty. And I’m not even exaggerating, as I’ve just read this week that for as of yet inconclusive reasons, some children are now hitting puberty as young as 8. Whatever the reasons, evolutionary or environmental or otherwise, I consider this a shame because a lot of us would prefer to have more years of childhood, not less. Kids have enough to deal with soon enough.

Anyway, back to my original line of thought. Are mothers holding on to strollers longer as a somewhat selfish form of weight- bearing exercise? My secret suspicion: locking the kid down in a stroller makes it easier to keep track of him/her/it. Strollers the size of a Suburban also make nice shopping carts. After about the age of 3/ 4 however, keeping a child in a stroller is not doing them any favors and is tantamount to laziness on the part of the parent. And this is the point at which I stop, lest I am accused of being one of those child-unfriendly individuals who mock parenting strategies.

------------------------
Another mall related annoyance: people who put “see ID” on their credit card and then get mad when you ask to see their ID. Since when did privacy protection become some sort of bizarre game? “Yes, I have ‘see ID’ on my credit card, but no, you can’t see my ID.” Sometimes I think this is a specific misappropriation of the sometimes helpful Oregonian paranoia. If I cannot be trusted to confirm that your credit card matches who you are purporting to be, then I can not be trusted to ring your transaction or fold your clothes. How can a city that supposedly ranks so high on the civil society ladder be so untrusting? Let’s fully automate the retail sector and you can show the friendly robot your ID.

And then I smile and realize they’re dealing with an automaton already.

------------------------
Why are there so many shirts that look like two but are actually one? You know the kind: so you can wear the layered look without actually wearing layers. I HATE THEM.

Intercepted conversation at unknown Taiwanese sweatshop:

Exploited worker 1: Silly Americans! Can they not see that this shirt looks ridiculous!

Exploited worker 2: My son has a D.A.R.E t-shirt that looks smarter than this!

----------------------------
Letter received recently from the Oldsmobile Service Protection Program:

“Dear Michelle,

Our records indicate that the factory warranty on your 4 year old Oldsmobile has expired. As a loyal owner, you qualify for extended vehicle coverage up to six additional years or 100,000 miles…This program was designed to save you thousands of dollars in unnecessary repair bills…The average cost of a transmission replacement is $1,968 and an average engine replacement is $2,326. Without extended vehicle coverage you will be responsible for these costs...”

To which I respond:

Dear Oldsmobile,

Yes, I am well aware of the average cost of a transmission replacement. For example, it is much higher than the trade-in value of the three-year old Oldsmobile I no longer have.

Smooches,

Michelle
--------------------------------